Thursday, 7 January 2010

post trauma "peace" - telling him it is "over"

Fri Aug 17, 2007 10:14 pm
Re: childcare

i am off on stress sick leave from work. too difficult to organize full
time childcare. work quiet at present anyway as is august.... once
they back in school it will be easier to organize.

have some hours this week with a lovely young baby sitter for
girls (they adore her) so have been able to check email etc (and run around with
household stuff - everything is breaking down! )

i will go see GP on monday to ask for more weeks signed off - if i
dont then the only alternative is to take unpaid leave which i cannot
do financially. and truth is i am still stressed.

espec when N
calls and says things like
"i just want to get back to normal"
"i feel fine"
"i want to come home now"
"i want you to be friendly when we talk" ....

today i blew it with him - told him it was not for him to tell me how
to be on the phone.

told him i didnt want or envisage going "back" to

not just the recent events but all the years of pandering
to his needs and wants to avoid him getting upset or creating a more.

it is over.

it will take a lot more effort on his
part to get back to any kind of relationship...he will always be papa
to the girls (and ix - but of course there is the issue of
acceptance..) but that is the only reason i wish to remain on any
terms with him. for them.

i know he is sick - but part of the illness is manipulation,
pleading, begging. i am not buying it. have to set boundaries

he may not get better whatever temporary
improvement is apparent now.... put him back in the situation where
he got stressed (day to day family life...) and who knows what will
happen again. his promises mean nothing - he proved that in last few

he left for Spain

he's gone to spain!
Sat Aug 11, 2007 10:04 pm
thank god...someone else can deal with him...

thursday they had big meet and hosp discharged him with diagnosis of
anxiety disorder with depression with something wokers
werent happy with him being discharged "to his family" (and neither was I) but he told them he would go to a B&B/go to spain....

he came home evening, had had diazepan so was calm. I let him stay on
sofa. dont see why i should pay hotel...let him stay on grounds he
agreed to go to spain. finally he called a friend in spain and
told something of what was going on, friend said come stay - but they
were going to their in laws 's for weekend but N could come and they would pick him up at airport.

fri he was stressed from morning, but i left him booking ticket. took
girls out to get euros, go to park, cinema (surfs up) etc... ix at
playscheme. eventually i called him and he told me he had cut himself
on purpose .....

i called the ward and gave them hell - how could they discharge someone
who does this? spoke to day hosp too.... his case worker called him
then called me and told me N had said he was fine bla bla...if he says he is fine he is fine. yeh right...

anyway it was unsuccessful slitting of wrist with vegetable knife and
stabbing of thigh....

today had to get him packed and bloody hard work, he was
agitated, crying, literally clmbing up walls and radiators, hit things because the hamster had escaped,,, said
he could not go, called his friend, said he wanted to die,

fortunately his friends said look we will try to help you, but you
have to help yourself ... just come.

packing was each item me telling
him pack your socks. now trainers. now shirts. now trousers etcetc...

finally got him on bus to airport at 1230 and he has texted me to say he in
spain. phew.

now some reprieve....will await news from there. he has to get to
his city and speak to his dad. admit to things. and seek help....

what happened during the rest of 2007 and during 2008?

i need to remind myself sometimes...with N still claiming everything was so wonderful he just got a bit "sick" i did i come to realise it wasn't just about him being "sick"?

After the events of July 2007:

Wed Aug 1, 2007 10:33 pm

Re: the story so far....

seriously tho it is sooo peaceful here tonite.

i took some stuff in to hospital - had to go get keys to car as he
had parked it near hospital. otherwise i would not have gone....-
told him no meds = no coming near us. told him he has to go to spain
to sort himself out. he says oh i cant my dad is too old, my brother
doesnt talk to me bla bla. i said i dont care - they have a big
enough house plenty of room.

i dont pick up phone when he calls if i can help it ie if it shows
is him. he IS manipulative - fairly typical from what i hear ....
his pleadings....

he sees psych consultant tomorrow. sad fact is that in hospital he is
rational, calm etc. but - come home again and within
minutes/hours/days i know what would happen. frustration,
explosion.... EVERYONE telling him - take the meds. but he wont.

but social worker supportive and GP. they all aware of what happened.
N cant understand why everyone is "taking this so seriously".

hello??? his mind is awol - but as i said, in confines of hospital
right now is presenting himself as rational calm etc. ugh.

tho today
i met a friend in street who had seen him in hospital gardens crying.
she lives next to the hospital. i said - so he should be.... as it
happens her brother has history of depression etc, she and other
siblings paid for him to spend a year in private clinic . on meds, he is
back on even keel...

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

do I tell or do I not?

October 2009

well, N returned to UK in december 2007, manipulated into family home and became more agressive and violent, intimidating and bullying. In early 2008 he spent large sums of money on new TV £600, £400 watch he gave me for Valentines day - I rejected it and he trapped me in the bathroom sayihg I had to have it...amongst other things, he called me "full of sh£t" many times in front of the children.

he refused to contemplate moving out - "I hate you, don't leave me".

in late February I realised the only option was for me to move with the in April 2008 after he kicked me i moved with the children to rented flat.

he visited them in our new home - this was a big mistake. he was agitated, depressed, finally assaulted me and caused damage. we went to court. his GP called me to say he was "severely depressed".

since then has had supervised contact in contact centre - all sessions went well.

now moved to supervised contact "by an appropriate adult" outside contact centre.

a few issues but lately he has not turned up saying "i am low" "i have not eaten all day" "i have no food in the house" "you can help me" "let me come to your house" (he cannot come in our house and i feel i cannot help him).

he said he had been to GP but "they cannot help me".

now I am debating whether to point out to GP that N in august was very hyperactive, spent £2500 on a joint acocunt sending it into heavy overdraft and incurring £300 bank charges.

he refurbished a flat which is sitll joint owned and is rented out - but went overboard, replacing doors and skirting boards for example when this wasnt needed and there was no money to do this - he should have just painted them.

also, during this time he was very agressive in text messages and demanding things which were not practical - in court saying he should see the children every day for example which just isnt feasible. (he has court ordered supervised - two mid week sessions and weekend sessions)

he said in text msg that I had been so abusive to him (by leaving him) that he has been self harming in the past two years.

shld i tell GP this?

also saying we could be together again which just isnt on the cards.

my lay diagnosis is big highs and lows - eg bipolar??

but shld i just leave it to GP to diagnose him even tho i doubt GP has full information?

or shld i tell GP about the mad spending - his neighbours described him during this refurbishment period as "manic" "oh he told me he was up at 6 am painting" etc. one nighbour compained about him doing DIY noise thru til late at night too.

if he catches me on the phone - by calling to make arrangements to see/not see the children - then i keep repeating to him his issues are his repsonsibility - so do i stay out of passing on any information to GP?

but the dcs are supposed to see him - so it does have something to do with me?

tell the GP about his overspending, his self harm, his current depression - his highs and lows over the past years - or not?

would it make any difference to diagnosis and treatment - so he can be a fulfilled and happy parent to his children?

two years later - july 2009

letter to CAFCASS.

20 July 2009

Dear Ms. C.

I passed the attached updated schedule for summer to N. with M when she took Ixto see N at his home on Sunday 19 July.

Ix was happy to have seen N – he watched DVDS there, with headphones on because N told M he could not cope with the noise of the TV.

M said N was unhappy with the schedule and she reported that he said that “she will get to realize just who she is dealing with here”. M stated that N talked to her for hours about his views on what a family should be, while Ix watched TV.

I feel strongly we need to keep this in the court arena so we can both be clear what contact and how (eg supervised by an adult we both agree to and whom the children agree to) is appropriate. There will be room for N to propose specific arrangements for special days eg birthdays.

At this stage, with G definite about not seeing him other than with another adult present, I do not feel we are in a place where mediation is appropriate. When contact has gone well for a number of months, then this can be revisited.

I did attend family therapy at the T. centre with N Feb 2008 to July 2008 – I used these sessions to try and explain why I had to leave the family home and to stress that I wished him to see the children.

I did not feel the sessions - which were requested by me - were successful. He only got angrier and angrier and on occasions walked out.

From April 2008, I allowed him access to the children in our new home and tried to speak to him about mediation then – I collected information about the Institute of Family therapy and other places. But he was physically aggressive, stated he “would never attend mediation” and smashed things in the house, in front of the children. While being physically aggressive towards me.

At the present time, while it is good he has differing views on mediation, I strongly feel that I and the children have our concerns over our safety and well-being best addressed by the court.

The children need to know that decisions made on contact are those made by professionals with their best interests at heart. Also that they too can have a say at a future stage if needed. We need a clear agreement setting out contact arrangements, to be reviewed in a few months time.

If it is transferred to mediation then no agreement is binding and either party could renege

I believe we could move to mediation if things go very well and the children become more relaxed about being with their father, such that they are comfortable with him on their own.

I – as their mother – also need to feel comfortable and certain that their well being is secure, given the past history.

There are also the practical issues around mediation:
• Who will pay? (I cannot afford to pay £120 per session now)
• When will it take place? (I have no free holidays left to take after the summer)
• If in the evening, who will pay the babysitter?

If mediation does not work, we will end up back in court – it seems to make sense to avoid the middle man at this stage, but when things are going well, and the situation is more settled, and other issues eg financial are resolved (see below), then I will be happy to move discussions about schedules of contact to mediation.

I have in the past few months been attending group therapy with a family therapist on “divorce and separation” – one of the issues covered has been “communication with the ex-partner”.

Following the advice, I have tried to stick to the rules – don’t get emotional, stick to the facts, don’t bring up the past, keep to discussion on concrete arrangements. I believe my emails to N have followed those lines. However, I feel that his emails to me go “off topic”, talk about the past, and refer to his emotions “love” and “healing” and “forgiveness”. It is very wearing.

I have to also consider my own emotional well being, as the primary carer, and in all of this, continue to go out to work to provide for the children. It is very difficult.

I do not feel able to make arrangements by email with him, if my straightforward emails are met with a barrage of justification, explanation, and intimidation. The past - as he tries to say - is irrelevant to a degree.

However, as he brings up the past himself, then I am forced to consider that his past violent behaviour previously is not justified by “mental health issues”. Even if his “mental health issues” (eg depression) are resolved, I see no reason to believe that his tendencies to intimidate and possibly be violent again are resolved; rather his emails are intimidating and harassing, a form of “emotional blackmail” if you like.

He has not taken responsibility for his violence – saying he “was ill” - but also saying that concerns about his mental health “are and were unfounded”.

Financial issues and their possible future impact on N’s mental health/behaviour
I also have concerns that when the financial issues are addressed - which they will need to be – he will get more and more angry. I realize that this is not relevant to contact with the children directly - but it may impact on his mental health/behaviour and therefore impact on contact.

When the financial issues are resolved, then the situation will be more settled.

Basically, I cannot any longer afford to be liable for the rent I pay, plus the mortgage on the flat he resides in, which is joint owned, nor the second flat which is also joint owned, which is rented out (tho at present is not rented – N states he has found tenants who will move in on 1 August. He has offered to paint the flat and make it ready for them, and I have agreed. He has told me by text he is replacing the kitchen, though it is not clear with what money he is doing this.).

Both the former family home and the rented out flat are in both names and the mortgage for both are in both names, therefore we are equally liable – however, as Nacho has no net income (assessed by CSA as being less than £5 per week), then that liability will inevitably fall onto me.

If N is unable to buy me out, in order to remain where he is, then both flats will have to be sold; we will have to share the remaining equity; and N will have to move and seek alternative accommodation. He has stated on several occasions he cannot accept selling the flats.

I fear he may become very angry when these issues are discussed. I have asked him to attend mediation to speak purely about financial issues, but he has not responded.

I fear what he might do, when this comes to a head; as it will have to – I simply cannot afford to maintain or ultimately be liable for three flats (the flat I rent for myself and the children; the joint
owned flat N lives in – former family home; plus the joint owned rented-out flat). Presently, N is underpaying the mortgage on the flat he lives in and there is a monthly shortfall of around £200, including various insurances. The money is running out. The financial situation is becoming very stressful for me.

The relevance of the past

If the past is to be brought up, and any reports are going to mention N’s statement that he “gave up work to dedicate himself to the children” - then I have to make the point that there was no discussion or suggestion from me that he should give up his work – tho I had asked him to spend less time at work eg arrive home in time for the children’s bedtime rather than at 9, 10 pm; rather it was he who insisted he had to leave his work because he was stressed; and he thought the nanny was overpaid and under worked. I reluctantly agreed to support him for a while, while he looked for new directions, went freelance etc.

He then spent from 2005 to 2007 complaining to me bitterly, most days, by phone, that he had to "drive back and forth to school twice a day" "cook the same dinners every week", that he could not cope. “you are so lucky going out to work”. I would often arrive home from work and have to cook the children’s dinners and do the evening routines with the children, because he had been unable to do them.

Staying together for the sake of the children
Despite the difficulties in our relationship since long before 2007,, I imagined I would stay until the children grew up; until he left me, as he often threatened to do; or until he followed through with his constant threats to "commit suicide" - from 2005 onwards his mantra was "life is not worth living, what is the point". Obviously, staying together for the sake of the children is no longer an option, and it is my hope that we can be better parents separately.

During 2005-2007, he was still unable to go out in the street with Ix, or accept his disability.
He many times blasted off and shouted "I am leaving you with your disabled children!".

N stated on many occasions he “wished Ix had never been born" "better off dead". There is documentation from social worker that he said to her that he found it difficult to go out with Ix - hence social services awarded more time in respite. I urged N many times to seek counselling.

On 22 July 2007, during several hours of extremely scary and erratic behaviour, he attacked Ix, saying “why are you disabled”, I had to fight with and bite N to stop him hurting Ix, finally he put his hands around his neck and lifted him off the floor, as I tried to stop him throwing him across the room.

You are already aware of the main incidents of violence and aggression. Those were the incidents reported to police - there were others. These main incidents were preceded by weeks or months of unpredictable and scary behaviour. I sought counselling in 2007 and again in 2008.

You should be aware that N did not attend Ix birthday in October 2007 because he was in Spain. He had discussed returning for Ix’s birthday and I had agreed but on the proviso he stayed elsewhere, ie with a mutual friend, who had offered to put him up. Following a discussion by text message, N made the decision not to come to London for Ix’s birthday, in October 2007, as he could not accept staying elsewhere.

Later, N returned from Spain and came into the family home in December 2007 to be with the children for Christmas and on the promise that he would respect my decision to not be together with him and that he was in any case leaving to go back to Spain in the February 2008, at least for a short time.

On 31 December 2007, after an evening at a friend’s house in which he shouted at the children and me, he insisted on sleeping in my bed, with me, against my wishes, because he said it was his “rightful place”.

From then onwards life was extremely difficult, as he refused to accept our relationship was over, refused to leave the flat and live elsewhere, and his verbal assaults on me continued in front of the children, until he became violent.

Before I thought out the solution of moving out of the family home with the children in early 2008 I felt trapped and stuck and the atmosphere was horrendous for the children and myself.

The social worker was concerned for the children’s welfare, should I continue to live in the same residence as N, and called a child protection meeting.

While he now seems to accept a relationship break down, I received an email last week from a mutual friend:

>>> 14/07/2009 11:39 >>>
“N called me on Sunday - had me on the phone for 1 hour - a monologue but a different one. Now he says that he is going to do all he can to do his part for the children - what ever that means. I think that is very positive but he did say he would still like to make a go of 'you' as a couple...“

Future contact

I still have concerns for the children’s welfare around their father, but of course I will go along with what the court decides. I wish to facilitate their contact with him, on a regular basis, on alternate weekends to start with.

I see a clear and specified court-ordered contact schedule, specifying supervised contact (by an adult we both agree to) as the way forward for now. This is beneficial for both sides.

I wish to ensure the children’s wellbeing and safety, but also I need to ensure my own emotional wellbeing, which means limited contact with N, so that I can continue to work and provide for the children.

Apologies for the lengthy letter.

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

this is a true nitemare....

Email to: DNB Group
Date: 31 July 2007
Subject: catch up...

will try catch up.

france was heaven and hell.

the place was perfect, lake, boats, beach,
swimmming pool, sunshine...

hell was N: self harming, freaking etc.

stupid stuff, eg i wanted
to buy some foodstuffs in local shop and he would insist he would go
10 km to hypermarket and we could not buy stuff locally.

even tho cost of petrol would cancel out any savings!

there were two days out
of seven he did not self harm and have major freak out.... (i had had
some idea that maybe being away could wrong could I be!)

we had to drive D and Ix to the train on day three. He kept banging on the steering wheel, saying "why, why". I had wanted to order them a taxi, but he insisted, no it is my job, I need to drive...I kept saying, stop driving. stop the car. I will drive..he revved and went faster, swerving... we were terrified... but got to the train, waved off D and Ix and got back to base.

In the mornings he would get up, go to shower and I would hear the bang bang as he hit himself with shower time he came to the pool with us, purple bruises and cuts all over him......

i kept escaping with girls "come on let's go" - not knowing what we would find on return.... one time he appeared after two hours with
stab wound to neck... girls were hopefully somewhat oblivious and had
great time: they want to go again.

on return the sat 21st july he started getting anxious over post
holiday mess...

sunday 22 a.m. i woke to find Ix in bed with us - as he does - and became aware of N raising his fist: "why, why, I don't want a disabled son..."

i gradually wake, what are you doing? this is scary...

from 8 to 1 pm he freaked, stabbed
himself (superficial), paced, kept going for Ix, twisitng his arm at one point I was biting on N's arm to stop him hurting Ix...he kicked in our brabantia
kitchen bin, picked Ix up by putting his hands around his neck and
lifting off the floor "why cant you be normal"...etcetc.

i tried to keep his distance from the children, had them watching CBEEBIES....

he was being sexually inappropriate: he pulled all his clothes off in hall way, came towards me: "make love to me" one point he came for me, ripped off my tee shirt.

i would have
gone for phone but was scared, that he would grab phone off me; and knew that Ix's carer M would be arriving later.

when she came i called 999 ambulance and
they sent police round too as i said he was harming himself and there were
children. police were great. reports made etc, i been on phone to
social workers and police all week...i went with him and spent hours
in A and E (ER) talking to psych nurse etc, they admitted him to
psych unit.(i would not have him home). M stayed with kids.

he discharged himself monday 23rd. promised to be good and take the
citalopram. came with diazepan too.

rest of week mixed i got signed
off for two weeks stress leave, GP very supportive.

N either
freaking e.g. smashing things in the house, crushing margerine tubs or cereal packets, or off at appts at day hospital outpatient psych unit and
being assessed by psychiatrists.... by weekend he decided enough of
supposed side effects, no more meds.

thurs i called my sister to come for evening as he had freaked in day
and went off to homeopathic hosp in a state, i didnt know how he
would return.

luckily my sis and hubby being there helped - he had
sat in car for three hours outside homeopathic hosp as had freaked in
front of doc who had said homeopathic could help but he needed to
take real meds too...

fri eve we saw friends who supportive and would
have been good at talking to N - tho they had drama involving a
runaway from care home, young lad with learning disabilities whose
mum rejected him, quite able but v sad and unhappy at childrens

saturday: minor freaking/anxiety, we took Ix horse riding then all went
to my aunt- had to send him off for a walk as he began ticcing
getting anxious, hitting out at furniture.

sunday he was distressed on waking in the a.m. starting to jump
around, smashing fist on furniture etc, then went to church and spent
an hour with priest who told him "your family love you".

then we went to visit
friends who leaving to live in zurich, N's one spanish friend.

ish eve. N as always "it is so sad" them leaving; against my "it is so exciting
for them, we can go visit them" etc...

monday a.m. distressed but sent him off to day hosp. evening cr%p.
distressed, hitting things, asking "why me/what can I do" bla bla

i said look i can't cope you have to go away, go to spain
anywhere. he saying no i can't... he went out for a walk, came back,
more anxiety; I made him take diazepan.

today a.m. he awoke saying: i been awake since four am i am
distressed, he hit a few things, smashed in the replacement
brabantia bin... was "climbing up the walls" jumping off them
literally, nearly pulled radiator off wall. got him off on way to day
hosp; i called them and said he was distressed and i could not cope
any more, that i had already three kids incl disabled and i could not
care for N.

between me the social worker and day hosp doctors got him re admitted
today. will try and get him kept there at least a week... but don't
know what will happen tomorrow.

N begging me to take him pyjamas
etc i said no, i did hold your hand the first time but you blew it by
not continuing with the meds and by smashing up the replacement bin.

i didn't answer his phone calls on mobile all day he called like 20
times. but he caught me by calling from hosp phone (comes up
as "private number" - saying "get me out i will take meds i promise"
bla bla bla. he has to prove it.

this has been a nitemare trying to
keep girls happy, luckily Ix has been at playscheme or with carers
as i always make sure N is not left with all three in hols
anyway....and deal with his anxiety, trying to keep him calm, always
on top of where he is espec with ix after what he did to him...

he just keeps saying "i want to be normal/i want to have a normal
life" yet he is so angry and frustrated with everything; hates
himself, hates his life; but wont take meds or accept the help eg
psych support the day hosp (out patient psych unit) had been trying
with him.

he says "i want to look after the girls" - but you would not leave your
children in charge of someone who is so unstable and anxious,
distressed. example: in car going to my aunt he told girls to "shut
up"..... because they were singing a song together. ie having fun.
imagine if they start arguing or kicking off, as kids do....

sigh. but at least now some denouement ie have got him into hosp and
psych assessment of sorts.

longer term I don't know. ideal is he goes
off to spain for some months and i can get on with organising child
care, getting back to work etc.

i am exhausted. this is a true nitemare.

going on holiday....

I need this holiday....but N wakes up and is hitting himself, rolling on floor. he scares me...I don't know what to do...

I say: you stay, I will go with the children and D the carer.

No, he says, I have to drive you, we have to go altogether....

He gets his act together and we finally leave.

There is massive traffic jam and it takes five hours to get to the Eurotunnel....he copes amazingly and does not freak out. once in France, it is about an hour away to the holiday village.

we get there late. Ix has thrown up in the car. we gather stuff, get keys, find our house and make beds and fall into them....