this is a true nitemare....

Email to: DNB Group
Date: 31 July 2007
Subject: catch up...

will try catch up.

france was heaven and hell.

the place was perfect, lake, boats, beach,
swimmming pool, sunshine...

hell was N: self harming, freaking etc.

stupid stuff, eg i wanted
to buy some foodstuffs in local shop and he would insist he would go
10 km to hypermarket and we could not buy stuff locally.

even tho cost of petrol would cancel out any savings!

there were two days out
of seven he did not self harm and have major freak out.... (i had had
some idea that maybe being away could help...how wrong could I be!)

we had to drive D and Ix to the train on day three. He kept banging on the steering wheel, saying "why, why". I had wanted to order them a taxi, but he insisted, no it is my job, I need to drive...I kept saying, stop driving. stop the car. I will drive..he revved and went faster, swerving... we were terrified... but got to the train, waved off D and Ix and got back to base.

In the mornings he would get up, go to shower and I would hear the bang bang as he hit himself with shower head....one time he came to the pool with us, purple bruises and cuts all over him......

i kept escaping with girls "come on let's go" - not knowing what we would find on return.... one time he appeared after two hours with
stab wound to neck... girls were hopefully somewhat oblivious and had
great time: they want to go again.

on return the sat 21st july he started getting anxious over post
holiday mess...

sunday 22 a.m. i woke to find Ix in bed with us - as he does - and became aware of N raising his fist: "why, why, I don't want a disabled son..."

i gradually wake, what are you doing? this is scary...

from 8 to 1 pm he freaked, stabbed
himself (superficial), paced, kept going for Ix, twisitng his arm at one point I was biting on N's arm to stop him hurting Ix...he kicked in our brabantia
kitchen bin, picked Ix up by putting his hands around his neck and
lifting off the floor "why cant you be normal"...etcetc.

i tried to keep his distance from the children, had them watching CBEEBIES....

he was being sexually inappropriate: he pulled all his clothes off in hall way, came towards me: "make love to me"...at one point he came for me, ripped off my tee shirt.

i would have
gone for phone but was scared, that he would grab phone off me; and knew that Ix's carer M would be arriving later.

when she came i called 999 ambulance and
they sent police round too as i said he was harming himself and there were
children. police were great. reports made etc, i been on phone to
social workers and police all week...i went with him and spent hours
in A and E (ER) talking to psych nurse etc, they admitted him to
psych unit.(i would not have him home). M stayed with kids.

he discharged himself monday 23rd. promised to be good and take the
citalopram. came with diazepan too.

rest of week mixed i got signed
off for two weeks stress leave, GP very supportive.

N either
freaking e.g. smashing things in the house, crushing margerine tubs or cereal packets, or off at appts at day hospital outpatient psych unit and
being assessed by psychiatrists.... by weekend he decided enough of
supposed side effects, no more meds.

thurs i called my sister to come for evening as he had freaked in day
and went off to homeopathic hosp in a state, i didnt know how he
would return.

luckily my sis and hubby being there helped - he had
sat in car for three hours outside homeopathic hosp as had freaked in
front of doc who had said homeopathic could help but he needed to
take real meds too...

fri eve we saw friends who supportive and would
have been good at talking to N - tho they had drama involving a
runaway from care home, young lad with learning disabilities whose
mum rejected him, quite able but v sad and unhappy at childrens
home.

saturday: minor freaking/anxiety, we took Ix horse riding then all went
to my aunt- had to send him off for a walk as he began ticcing
getting anxious, hitting out at furniture.

sunday he was distressed on waking in the a.m. starting to jump
around, smashing fist on furniture etc, then went to church and spent
an hour with priest who told him "your family love you".

then we went to visit
friends who leaving to live in zurich, N's one spanish friend.

ok
ish eve. N as always "it is so sad" them leaving; against my "it is so exciting
for them, we can go visit them" etc...

monday a.m. distressed but sent him off to day hosp. evening cr%p.
distressed, hitting things, asking "why me/what can I do" bla bla
bla;

i said look i can't cope you have to go away, go to spain
anywhere. he saying no i can't... he went out for a walk, came back,
more anxiety; I made him take diazepan.

today a.m. he awoke saying: i been awake since four am i am
distressed, he hit a few things, smashed in the replacement
brabantia bin... was "climbing up the walls" jumping off them
literally, nearly pulled radiator off wall. got him off on way to day
hosp; i called them and said he was distressed and i could not cope
any more, that i had already three kids incl disabled and i could not
care for N.

between me the social worker and day hosp doctors got him re admitted
today. will try and get him kept there at least a week... but don't
know what will happen tomorrow.

N begging me to take him pyjamas
etc i said no, i did hold your hand the first time but you blew it by
not continuing with the meds and by smashing up the replacement bin.

i didn't answer his phone calls on mobile all day he called like 20
times. but he caught me by calling from hosp phone (comes up
as "private number" - saying "get me out i will take meds i promise"
bla bla bla. he has to prove it.

this has been a nitemare trying to
keep girls happy, luckily Ix has been at playscheme or with carers
as i always make sure N is not left with all three in hols
anyway....and deal with his anxiety, trying to keep him calm, always
on top of where he is espec with ix after what he did to him...

he just keeps saying "i want to be normal/i want to have a normal
life" yet he is so angry and frustrated with everything; hates
himself, hates his life; but wont take meds or accept the help eg
psych support the day hosp (out patient psych unit) had been trying
with him.

he says "i want to look after the girls" - but you would not leave your
children in charge of someone who is so unstable and anxious,
distressed. example: in car going to my aunt he told girls to "shut
up"..... because they were singing a song together. ie having fun.
imagine if they start arguing or kicking off, as kids do....

sigh. but at least now some denouement ie have got him into hosp and
psych assessment of sorts.

longer term I don't know. ideal is he goes
off to spain for some months and i can get on with organising child
care, getting back to work etc.

i am exhausted. this is a true nitemare.

going on holiday....

I need this holiday....but N wakes up and is hitting himself, rolling on floor. he scares me...I don't know what to do...

I say: you stay, I will go with the children and D the carer.

No, he says, I have to drive you, we have to go altogether....

He gets his act together and we finally leave.

There is massive traffic jam and it takes five hours to get to the Eurotunnel....he copes amazingly and does not freak out. once in France, it is about an hour away to the holiday village.

we get there late. Ix has thrown up in the car. we gather stuff, get keys, find our house and make beds and fall into them....

G's birthday....

It is G's fifth birthday! schoool has already finished for the girls. Ix is still at school for another week, but ahs INSET days for two days next week so will come on holiday with us then return for the rest of the week and his carer will stay with him and we will have a few days with the girls in France.

But N is distressed and anxious. we have the CBT appt so I ask M to take the girls to MacDonalds and to play while I go to the CBT appt with N.

We get to the hospital and await the appt. we go in, she says how are things, I say "bad". he is very anxious, distressed, breaking things, hitting himself...

N says: I just want to come to hospital for two weeks, to sleep, to get away.

She says: oh I think you would find it very distressing in the psychiatric ward, I don't think it is appropriate.

N is crying. "it is my daughter's birthday today..." then he starts hitting himself around his head with his fists.

"why are you doing that?" she asks..." I don't know," he says.

She is visibly scared and runs out to call someone...she returns in five minutes. "this is Dcotor X. he is the on-call psychiatrist.."

Dr X talks to N, and says, well, I don't think we can admit you.

N says, we have a holiday booked, we leave on Saturday, I need to go on holiday, but I want to come to hospital and sleep..."

They umm and ahh and say "go on holiday..."

We leave and N decides to go to church, he is talking about how he cannot cope, it is too much, he wants to sleep, and complains that I never talk to him...I say: "we can talk on holiday."

he goes crying to church, I go to meet M and the girls.

We go home to have cake.

it is a strange kind of celebration.

attending CBT appointment

I go to the CBT appointment with N. He is quite jolly about it.

gets out his folder, "this is my wife," he announces.

She asks how things are and N says well, I am tired. he rustles his folder of papers.

she asks me - I say not good. he is very anxious, he has hit himself.

he starts to tell her what a wonderful person she is and how he admires her.

she asks if he followed thourgh with the "homework". he says "no"...she says, we are not going anywhere with this...if you dont pursue the homework, the tasks, then we will just keep repeating the same things...

she asks us both to come back next time.

crisis point....

Email to: M
Date: 9 July 2007
Subject: yesterday's barbecue

yes N is depressed and is seeing CBT, for last five weeks. was referred last year. he has also done the autogenic training at homeopathic hospital.

but he wont collaborate with her. doesnt get round to doing the "homework". more than moderate.

she is looking for other avenues.
GP is referring to psychiatric services.

he has started very low dose of anti depressants.
becasuse he refuses to take therapeutic dose yet.

he claims side effects but it is all in his mind - GP said on this dose 2mg cilatopram (good for depression anxiety etc) you don't get side effects....placebo in reverse ("this pill will make me sicker therefore I will feel sicker" ) .

he needs to take pills but of the pharmocoloigical kind not the natural kind.

we are at crisis point and it will resolve one way or another - for better or for worse.

he might have to leave and go elsewhere. i dont know.

it isnt good for the kids.

e-mail from my sister

Date: 8 July 2007
From: M
Subject: yesterday's barbecue

we're a bit worried about N, he doesn't seem very well mentally
or physically. How long has he been like this for? Maybe he should see his
doctor and get referred for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) - this tends
to get good results for mild to moderate depression (although there is a
long waiting list as not enough CBT trained practitioners - unless you can
get access privately). Better than just taking pills anyway - as helps get
to the source of the problem. (Insomina, tiredness and a feeling of inertia
are classic symptoms of depression).*
**
*M*

a birthday party - coping?

Sat, 30 June.

It is G's birthday party. we get to the soft play centre and organize food, drinks etc in the party room.

N is industrious and seems to be coping, but gets highly anxious as the time comes for people to arrive - and no one is here yet!

then suddenly, of course, they all arrive at once and it goes fine.