Thursday, 7 January 2010

post trauma "peace" - telling him it is "over"

Fri Aug 17, 2007 10:14 pm
Re: childcare

i am off on stress sick leave from work. too difficult to organize full
time childcare. work quiet at present anyway as is august.... once
they back in school it will be easier to organize.

have some hours this week with a lovely young baby sitter for
girls (they adore her) so have been able to check email etc (and run around with
household stuff - everything is breaking down! )

i will go see GP on monday to ask for more weeks signed off - if i
dont then the only alternative is to take unpaid leave which i cannot
do financially. and truth is i am still stressed.

espec when N
calls and says things like
"i just want to get back to normal"
"i feel fine"
"i want to come home now"
"i want you to be friendly when we talk" ....

today i blew it with him - told him it was not for him to tell me how
to be on the phone.

told him i didnt want or envisage going "back" to

not just the recent events but all the years of pandering
to his needs and wants to avoid him getting upset or creating a more.

it is over.

it will take a lot more effort on his
part to get back to any kind of relationship...he will always be papa
to the girls (and ix - but of course there is the issue of
acceptance..) but that is the only reason i wish to remain on any
terms with him. for them.

i know he is sick - but part of the illness is manipulation,
pleading, begging. i am not buying it. have to set boundaries

he may not get better whatever temporary
improvement is apparent now.... put him back in the situation where
he got stressed (day to day family life...) and who knows what will
happen again. his promises mean nothing - he proved that in last few

he left for Spain

he's gone to spain!
Sat Aug 11, 2007 10:04 pm
thank god...someone else can deal with him...

thursday they had big meet and hosp discharged him with diagnosis of
anxiety disorder with depression with something wokers
werent happy with him being discharged "to his family" (and neither was I) but he told them he would go to a B&B/go to spain....

he came home evening, had had diazepan so was calm. I let him stay on
sofa. dont see why i should pay hotel...let him stay on grounds he
agreed to go to spain. finally he called a friend in spain and
told something of what was going on, friend said come stay - but they
were going to their in laws 's for weekend but N could come and they would pick him up at airport.

fri he was stressed from morning, but i left him booking ticket. took
girls out to get euros, go to park, cinema (surfs up) etc... ix at
playscheme. eventually i called him and he told me he had cut himself
on purpose .....

i called the ward and gave them hell - how could they discharge someone
who does this? spoke to day hosp too.... his case worker called him
then called me and told me N had said he was fine bla bla...if he says he is fine he is fine. yeh right...

anyway it was unsuccessful slitting of wrist with vegetable knife and
stabbing of thigh....

today had to get him packed and bloody hard work, he was
agitated, crying, literally clmbing up walls and radiators, hit things because the hamster had escaped,,, said
he could not go, called his friend, said he wanted to die,

fortunately his friends said look we will try to help you, but you
have to help yourself ... just come.

packing was each item me telling
him pack your socks. now trainers. now shirts. now trousers etcetc...

finally got him on bus to airport at 1230 and he has texted me to say he in
spain. phew.

now some reprieve....will await news from there. he has to get to
his city and speak to his dad. admit to things. and seek help....

what happened during the rest of 2007 and during 2008?

i need to remind myself sometimes...with N still claiming everything was so wonderful he just got a bit "sick" i did i come to realise it wasn't just about him being "sick"?

After the events of July 2007:

Wed Aug 1, 2007 10:33 pm

Re: the story so far....

seriously tho it is sooo peaceful here tonite.

i took some stuff in to hospital - had to go get keys to car as he
had parked it near hospital. otherwise i would not have gone....-
told him no meds = no coming near us. told him he has to go to spain
to sort himself out. he says oh i cant my dad is too old, my brother
doesnt talk to me bla bla. i said i dont care - they have a big
enough house plenty of room.

i dont pick up phone when he calls if i can help it ie if it shows
is him. he IS manipulative - fairly typical from what i hear ....
his pleadings....

he sees psych consultant tomorrow. sad fact is that in hospital he is
rational, calm etc. but - come home again and within
minutes/hours/days i know what would happen. frustration,
explosion.... EVERYONE telling him - take the meds. but he wont.

but social worker supportive and GP. they all aware of what happened.
N cant understand why everyone is "taking this so seriously".

hello??? his mind is awol - but as i said, in confines of hospital
right now is presenting himself as rational calm etc. ugh.

tho today
i met a friend in street who had seen him in hospital gardens crying.
she lives next to the hospital. i said - so he should be.... as it
happens her brother has history of depression etc, she and other
siblings paid for him to spend a year in private clinic . on meds, he is
back on even keel...