Monday, 23 February 2009

freaky day

Date: 29 June 2007
To: DNB Group
Subject: freaky day yesterday

slight crisis here.

yesterday freaked me out. been building up to this - but.....

0730 - first thing he says on waking is "oh I feel like dying". he was
awake from 0300. in state of panic.

i thought I would have to take
girls to school (Ix gets picked up in taxi) but at 0830 he - while
shaking, insisted on taking them. I said i would wait and make an appt
with GP.

i called GP at 0900 and got appt for 1115. meantime, called my friend
whose mother is a psychiatrist - she called her mum and called me back
advising re emergency crisis mental health team and suggested some meds

0940 N came back and said he didn't need the GP, he was going to go to
the gym for his exercise class and then "everything would be fine" i
said no, he had to come to GP with me.

all way to appt he is saying "i don't need this, i don't want
antidepressants, i just need to sleep" etc,etc

1115 we go in, dr (who has seen him before did the referrals to CBT,
homeopathic etc) says what's up and he says oh I am just tired that is
all, I cant sleep - she asks some more sensible questions and says, in
short, that he is depressed that is why he can't sleep. he reveals a
bruise on his leg where he has hit himself so hard...I tell her about
the broken stool.

in short, she says she recommends cilatopram 10 mg (anti depressant low
dose); and can prescribe some sleeping tablets but only for one week.

he says he doesn't want to take anti depressants - after all - he isn't
depressed - and she says she cannot force him but she recommends it.

says he might have to take them for six months or more.

he says he
doesn't want to.

I ask about the crisis service and she gives me the
number, also tells me about the outpatient centre but she thinks we
don't need that yet.

they focus on managing medication and she can do
that at this stage spec as such a low dose.

we make appt for next week
weds at 0945.

we go for a coffee (it is 1215 now) after picking up prescription. i
have coffee and a bruschetta he has chamomile tea. he says again he
doesn't want to take anti depressants, he took them 15 years ago, side
effects bla bla bla...

we go home he is going on and on about what have i done with my life
etc etc.

there is no food, i say make yourself a sandwich.

I leave him while i
go across road to supermarket to buy fruit and veg for the kids meal in
the evening.

(frankly, I needed to get out...)

come back and he has cut himself with a kitchen knife in his thigh.
blood all over. i say what the f.... are you doing.

he is crying saying he doesn't know he is so frustrated. with himself.
he slams his fist into the sofa.

3.00 - we get in car and drive to school, he freaks me out slightly by
answering his mobile (the garage about the car) and nearly running a red

we get to school, he drives me and the girls to their art class, on way
his car is rear-ended and scratched (like we needed that).

stop get
details etc, N freaks out the driver by taking a photo of him -
other driver starts saying why you taking pic of me, bla bla...

i can
see fight looming - argh. we get to art class, N goes to a school
meeting (he is school governor).

i leave girls and go have coffee with friend who lives next door to art
class - her daughter is at class with L and G.

her brother self
harmed (himself only, never harmed his wife (except emotionally) and
child....and later committed suicide so we have a good chat ....

agree he has to take the meds and it has to be made clear to him his

i rush home with the girls after class as Ix's carer had to
leave...we have nice tea (sorri but life is easier doing chores,
getting tea without N) .

N gets back at 845 p.m. , and goes to "play
his guitar for a bit "....

then comes out at 9 pm starting the why aren't
they in bed routine...anyway get them to bed, N is typing up his
report on meeting, actually he says it did him good and he feels better.

he wants to know what i said to the friend, what did i tell her, what does
she know -- i just say "we talked about her brother who committed

he goes down road to buy some food for dinner, comes back
sits on computer typing, at 11 pm we have dinner

(i know better than to
interrupt and say come on it's late - he likes to be in control of

we eat, he says he felt better after his meeting, is going to go to the
gym etc. i say "you know what you need to do" - he knows i mean the

anyway, i am exhausted today and a bit ugh.

he was calm-ish this morning - took the sleeping tablet don't know if
has taken the anti depressant.

took girls to school, left mobile at

cant get hold of him now. (1130) but he said was going to go buy
drinks for the kids for G's birthday party tomorrow.

has he come to acceptance?

Date: 26 June 2007
To: DNB Group
Subject: re: Depression - has he come to acceptance?


he says: "i should have gone to counselling about Ix before" - i
say, it isn’t too late. do it now. talk to the psychologist.

going to a support group - not really - and dads he have met have all been
working. ("they can cope, why not me? poor me?")

last nite:
" i think this is punishment from God because we didn’t get married
before Ix was born"

"i must be a really bad person for "this" to happen to me" - jeez, i
told him he wasn’t a bad person - after all the logic makes me a bad
person too....told him to talk to his priest....

why didn't we marry - oh just didn't happen, i wasnt bothered either
way...., would have done if he had pushed it... now i am happy to in a way, to provide security for the children -
(tax reasons?) but not miserably, just the two of us and the priest,
as N wants -

if we get married i want to celebrate our wonderful, imperfect,
complex, family and invite my children and close friends and family.
have a children's entertainer and bouncy castle. DVD playing lazy town
in the corner for know.

am I selfish?

Date: 21 June 2007
To: DNB Group
Subject: whinge whinge moan

i am tired of living with someone who wonders what the point of life
is and why bother living?

who can't his head round the fact that life is about routines and
getting the shopping and cooking done...."am I going to be cooking
spaghetti for children all my life?" "is that it?"

me: well no actually because they going to grow up and leave home....

i am tired of wondering if I am going to have to commit him in order
to get proper help, and tired of wondering if plans I make, eg
holidays are going to be ruined by suicide attempts or worse; or just
plain misery.

i am tired of saying the same things over and over i have been saying
for more than two years, that leaving his paid work where he was
stressed beyond belief was the best move for him and us as a family.

yes i know it isn't his fault and it is depression - but he wont take
meds for it! CBT so far seems to just be making him worse....

"she says i have to take responsibility and look forward not
backwards" - fine - but then i get "i should never have left work
[in 2004], i have left work so i am a failure, normal men dont leave
their work to do the child caring, bla bla bla"

however much logic
i put forward over the fact

a) my salary was bigger

b) i had spent
four or five years listening to him telling me he wanted to leave
work because he didnt like it!

c) he was always complaining about the
nanny and anyway it is far better and easier for us to have one parent
not working not to mention he gets time with his girls he never had
before and they like him now... (i dont push the not-going-out issue
with Ix...)

i am a selfish cow aren't I

but it feels better to let it out.

summer 2006

lunch with a friend.

Nothing changes, I say.

he hastold me so many times, that "life is not worht living", that i lie awake at night planning his funeral.....

Summer 2006 we go to Spain, i leave girls and N there, it is relief to be home alone with Ix.

he has carers, playscheme, I go to work and have evenings in pleasan silence..
they come back, school starts, summer turns to autumn, thru winter...

digging deep hole with no way out

Date: 4 May 2006
To: DNB Group
Subject: digging and other stories

hi all, sorry not been in touch.

N is in a very dark hole. looking for some way out...

the grass may be
greener ... somewhere?

but if you don't even know where the grass can be
found or even what colour grass you really like, then it is difficult.

and if you cant start looking for green grass close to home then life is

advice which falls on deaf ears....

Date: 5 April, 2006
To: DNB Group
Subject: Re: career change

believe me, I’ve tried everything - every suggestion gets met with:

"i should not have resigned my job/i made a mistake/i want my old job
back (they have restructured, his job now being done by two new
young - cheap - people, tho he has not approached them to find out
for sure)/i am too old (44)/i dont know what i want to do/...... " .

there is no problem with accessing the guidance/information - except
when the person doesn’t want to do it!

seeing as you asked....

Date: April 4, 2006
To: DNB Group
Subject: updates all round...

you here are 2 recent conversations in our house:

N: of course if you were the one at home not working you would be
happy - when the kids are at school you would be talking on
internet, meeting people for lunch, reading the paper and reading
books, going swimming/yoga

me: err yes - but there is nothing stopping YOU doing any or all of
that! why don't you do a course/get a part time job/enjoy yourself

N: because I dont know what I want/ dont know what I want to do
with my life ...... i wish i had never resigned, i wish i could wake
up tomorrow and go to my work

me: sigh (gives up.... he left work for many reasons including huge
stresses but from 13 months down the line it all looks rosy again - an
escape from responsibilities of home? but - nothing to stop him
getting another job if that is what he wants...)

N: i saw J today, he went to Center Parcs (holiday village in
woods, outdoor type place, for cycling etc) last weekend with the
five kids and the mother in law

me: oh that's nice, i've heard center parcs is really good

N: of course, we could never do that....

me: why?

N: well you know, I cant play football with ix or go on a bike
ride with him...

DO OTHER THINGS!!! Ix likes to walk, he likes to go in swimming
pool (these places have indoor pools) ...and espec if we have someone
with us (not mother in law obviously but someone else...) grrrrrrr

anyway, we ARE going away this coming weekend to isle of wight to a
caravan and will see J and a few other special needs families :)

am bringing carer to help look after the boys. both of them. socially
N can appear/act fairly "normal".... so it might be ok....

will see how it goes :) i am sure looking forward to it and to seeing
nice people.

a night away....

I leave Saturday evening for night away in Swindon with other "special needs" mums. I have organized carer for Ix for Sunday morning so N is only alone overnight.

Earlier on Saturday I take girls to Woolworths and we buy Barbie trainers for G. On her request. She is well pleased, they light up...

But N goes ballistic.

"how could you! you should not buy cheap trainers" "they are a waste of money" "they are crap".

He then tells me that to make sure I swim in the hotel "because you are overweight"...

I leave in tears....

It is a welcome break away tho, I buy champagne, we, 12 mums, all with children with disabilities, chat the night away....

dutiful wife.....

during 2005 we muddle through.... in the summer N takes girls to Spain for a few weeks. Back to school September. The winter passes...

Date: 14 March 2006
Email to: DNB Group
Subject: wanting normal....

there is a whole lot of stuff going on in N's head and not all
(much) of it is good right now...

it isnt so much denial as anger: "this isn’t real, i do not accept

he "only wanted a normal child" - didn't we all - when Ix is
asleep he can see the "normal child" in him.... so regret/anger/why

what he cannot see is the child himself, awake asleep whatever.

it is a sad and sorry state of affairs and not conducive to,
well, anything really.....

he is awaiting a referral for counselling/CBT to treat his
depression - at times he blames his depression on having Ix but
really this isn't the whole story - an easy excuse.

"if Ix was
normal, then...." it is all "why me?" --well, why not me?

my answer is: he isn't normal, get over it, accept him as he is.

also - as you have said to me many times - the Spanish "male as
provider" idea isn't going away.

when i said i was going on the mums'
night away to Swindon (small town in south england ) he said: you
cannot go to a mothers' night out, you are the father now (because i
am the breadwinner).

i said, get real, we are in the 21st

i would like to send him to dr k. for some intensive CBT
treatment!! he sure needs

he is beginning to recognize what the problem(s) is/are -
but why is it so hard to accept your own child?

there is only so much "I" can do...

my children are my light,

my "DH" right now is not "dear" - to say the honest truth.....he brings me
flowers, but as the phrase goes: sometimes, (professed) love is not

well i had to get that out somewhere.....

i do have some kind of "duty" to help him i guess. he is there for
the girls, that is one good thing. mostly i just try to focus on the
day to day....

March 2005 sleeping babes....

Email to: DNB Group
Subject: how he sees him

the other day N said: "i (only) love Ix when he is asleep, because then he looks

hwhat can I do?

Feb 2005 - his mother dies

of a heart attack age 77. he calls me at work in shock and I switch to efficient mode, book his flight to Spain the next morning, get Euros, pack bags...

I think about his relationship with his mother, a love/hate? At Christmas he has argued with her, after she said we should not go visit - "too cold", "too wet", etc.

he got mad...I overheard him say "well I won't see you then! I will see you at your funeral!"

I asked him "how can you say that?"

"it is how we are..."

Certainly, visits to his family I have found - strange... from dawn to dusk they would argue, call each other "stupid", argue some more....

but now his mother is dead and that is sad.

It is also half term so I take some days off.

This is the scheduled time to do intensive toilet training with Ix with his ABA therapists, so it is a few days of wee and poo on the floor...

I think: "it is good N is not here,, he would not cope with the mess."

AFter three days we are getting successes! He is not holding on all day then letting go in floods, and is enjoying more and more Smarties for success.

The girls have various activities and outings.

Our ex-nanny agrees to stay with Ix a couple of nights and I take the girls to Spain to pay our respects. We return together and back to routine.

in other words... I go to work, he takes girls to school, he calls me at work and says he cannot cope and he wishes he was back at work...

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Feb 2005: am I selfish?

Email to: S
Subject: work and hobbies

I wish N at least had a proper hobby/interest, would stop him
maudling "i dont know what i am doing with my life"...... he really does
not appreciate he has this chance to be at home and see his kids grow

enjoy it! chance to learn something new, chance to go to yoga three
times a week in term time if he wants to....

but i think it is a mental illness, he supposed to be going to GP this

he wishes he was back going to work every day (and all evening
and all weekend....) so he wouldn't have to confront his demons at
home...yeh right.

too late now!

he resigned his job, no turning

he could get another job of course but suffering from "what
could i do?" syndrome --yes; i've told him to get a job a Sainsbury
then, if he thinks "a" job would make the difference.....

but better this way - confront it!

i keep telling him he would have
got to retiring at 65 and would have no relationship with his family
left, what is the point?

saturday we went to horse riding, he went up to a dad (daughter age 20 rett
syndrome who was riding same time as Ix) and said "excuse me how do
you cope, i can't cope with my son!" ..

chap - lovely man = said well you do, dont you, she is part of our

he went on to say enjoy what you have and said how they had
had a son also but who died at age 18 months...

yes i get so frustrated - I just want to kick him up the proverbial!

latest this week was....if we send Ix to residential placement all
our problems will be solved(not for Ix's needs you
understand...)/wish he'd never been born/wish he had been adopted
etc..... . yes i know they are feelings many express but we are nine
years down the line.

i said if it comes to it and you want me to choose between you - then i choose to
keep Ix.....

it all sounds so pathetic written down!

i just keep insisting to him it is up to him to get help because i can't
do it! i have three children to think of.... am i selfish?!


N resigned from his office job at the end of 2004, after months of stress.

plus, he complained so much about the nanny ("she does nothing" she is paid too much" ) it became a case of: well, you know what.... see if you can do it then!

Email to: A

Subject: Moving country

Date: Feb 2005

well, N is similar to your husband - "let's move to
Switzerland/Italy/france...somewhere where the "grass is greener" and life is less stressful etc...yeh right.

what our "DH"s [dear husbands] dont realise is some of the stress u will take with you --the kids medical/health/learning issues, the day to day
domestic chores etc.

access to the wild mountains doesnt mean u will
get there each weekend because it's there. u still have to do the
washing, pack cases, organize food etc. the weekends ski-iing dont
just happen as if by magic... guess who would be orgnizing them? who
would be packing the car for your weekend rambles in nature? the kids
still have to do homework...

N has been going on and on about he wld leave work and i will get a
job with UN in geneva and won't life be wonderful??

well,he is finding it really hard doing the being at home thing - and
that is here with everything organized and sorted... no stress of
looking for new schools, getting to know area etc.

sometimes, the grass just looks greener...