seeing as you asked....

Date: April 4, 2006
To: DNB Group
Subject: updates all round...

you asked...so here are 2 recent conversations in our house:

1.
N: of course if you were the one at home not working you would be
happy - when the kids are at school you would be talking on
internet, meeting people for lunch, reading the paper and reading
books, going swimming/yoga

me: err yes - but there is nothing stopping YOU doing any or all of
that! why don't you do a course/get a part time job/enjoy yourself

N: because I dont know what I want/ dont know what I want to do
with my life ...... i wish i had never resigned, i wish i could wake
up tomorrow and go to my work

me: sigh (gives up.... he left work for many reasons including huge
stresses but from 13 months down the line it all looks rosy again - an
escape from responsibilities of home? but - nothing to stop him
getting another job if that is what he wants...)

2.
N: i saw J today, he went to Center Parcs (holiday village in
woods, outdoor type place, for cycling etc) last weekend with the
five kids and the mother in law

me: oh that's nice, i've heard center parcs is really good

N: of course, we could never do that....

me: why?

N: well you know, I cant play football with ix or go on a bike
ride with him...

me: THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CANNOT GO TO ONE OF THESE PLACES YOU CAN
DO OTHER THINGS!!! Ix likes to walk, he likes to go in swimming
pool (these places have indoor pools) ...and espec if we have someone
with us (not mother in law obviously but someone else...) grrrrrrr


anyway, we ARE going away this coming weekend to isle of wight to a
caravan and will see J and a few other special needs families :)

am bringing carer to help look after the boys. both of them. socially
N can appear/act fairly "normal".... so it might be ok....

will see how it goes :) i am sure looking forward to it and to seeing
nice people.

dutiful wife.....

during 2005 we muddle through.... in the summer N takes girls to Spain for a few weeks. Back to school September. The winter passes...



Date: 14 March 2006
Email to: DNB Group
Subject: wanting normal....


there is a whole lot of stuff going on in N's head and not all
(much) of it is good right now...

it isnt so much denial as anger: "this isn’t real, i do not accept
it."

he "only wanted a normal child" - didn't we all - when Ix is
asleep he can see the "normal child" in him.... so regret/anger/why
me.....

what he cannot see is the child himself, awake asleep whatever.

it is a sad and sorry state of affairs and not conducive to,
well, anything really.....

he is awaiting a referral for counselling/CBT to treat his
depression - at times he blames his depression on having Ix but
really this isn't the whole story - an easy excuse.

"if Ix was
normal, then...." it is all "why me?" --well, why not me?

my answer is: he isn't normal, get over it, accept him as he is.

also - as you have said to me many times - the Spanish "male as
provider" idea isn't going away.

when i said i was going on the mums'
night away to Swindon (small town in south england ) he said: you
cannot go to a mothers' night out, you are the father now (because i
am the breadwinner).

i said, get real, we are in the 21st
century....

i would like to send him to dr k. for some intensive CBT
treatment!! he sure needs
something.

he is beginning to recognize what the problem(s) is/are -
but why is it so hard to accept your own child?

there is only so much "I" can do...

my children are my light,

my "DH" right now is not "dear" - to say the honest truth.....he brings me
flowers, but as the phrase goes: sometimes, (professed) love is not
enough...

well i had to get that out somewhere.....
:-(

i do have some kind of "duty" to help him i guess. he is there for
the girls, that is one good thing. mostly i just try to focus on the
day to day....

March 2005 sleeping babes....

Email to: DNB Group
Subject: how he sees him


the other day N said: "i (only) love Ix when he is asleep, because then he looks
normal."

hwhat can I do?