dutiful wife.....

during 2005 we muddle through.... in the summer N takes girls to Spain for a few weeks. Back to school September. The winter passes...



Date: 14 March 2006
Email to: DNB Group
Subject: wanting normal....


there is a whole lot of stuff going on in N's head and not all
(much) of it is good right now...

it isnt so much denial as anger: "this isn’t real, i do not accept
it."

he "only wanted a normal child" - didn't we all - when Ix is
asleep he can see the "normal child" in him.... so regret/anger/why
me.....

what he cannot see is the child himself, awake asleep whatever.

it is a sad and sorry state of affairs and not conducive to,
well, anything really.....

he is awaiting a referral for counselling/CBT to treat his
depression - at times he blames his depression on having Ix but
really this isn't the whole story - an easy excuse.

"if Ix was
normal, then...." it is all "why me?" --well, why not me?

my answer is: he isn't normal, get over it, accept him as he is.

also - as you have said to me many times - the Spanish "male as
provider" idea isn't going away.

when i said i was going on the mums'
night away to Swindon (small town in south england ) he said: you
cannot go to a mothers' night out, you are the father now (because i
am the breadwinner).

i said, get real, we are in the 21st
century....

i would like to send him to dr k. for some intensive CBT
treatment!! he sure needs
something.

he is beginning to recognize what the problem(s) is/are -
but why is it so hard to accept your own child?

there is only so much "I" can do...

my children are my light,

my "DH" right now is not "dear" - to say the honest truth.....he brings me
flowers, but as the phrase goes: sometimes, (professed) love is not
enough...

well i had to get that out somewhere.....
:-(

i do have some kind of "duty" to help him i guess. he is there for
the girls, that is one good thing. mostly i just try to focus on the
day to day....