It is G's fifth birthday! schoool has already finished for the girls. Ix is still at school for another week, but ahs INSET days for two days next week so will come on holiday with us then return for the rest of the week and his carer will stay with him and we will have a few days with the girls in France.
But N is distressed and anxious. we have the CBT appt so I ask M to take the girls to MacDonalds and to play while I go to the CBT appt with N.
We get to the hospital and await the appt. we go in, she says how are things, I say "bad". he is very anxious, distressed, breaking things, hitting himself...
N says: I just want to come to hospital for two weeks, to sleep, to get away.
She says: oh I think you would find it very distressing in the psychiatric ward, I don't think it is appropriate.
N is crying. "it is my daughter's birthday today..." then he starts hitting himself around his head with his fists.
"why are you doing that?" she asks..." I don't know," he says.
She is visibly scared and runs out to call someone...she returns in five minutes. "this is Dcotor X. he is the on-call psychiatrist.."
Dr X talks to N, and says, well, I don't think we can admit you.
N says, we have a holiday booked, we leave on Saturday, I need to go on holiday, but I want to come to hospital and sleep..."
They umm and ahh and say "go on holiday..."
We leave and N decides to go to church, he is talking about how he cannot cope, it is too much, he wants to sleep, and complains that I never talk to him...I say: "we can talk on holiday."
he goes crying to church, I go to meet M and the girls.
We go home to have cake.
it is a strange kind of celebration.
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
attending CBT appointment
I go to the CBT appointment with N. He is quite jolly about it.
gets out his folder, "this is my wife," he announces.
She asks how things are and N says well, I am tired. he rustles his folder of papers.
she asks me - I say not good. he is very anxious, he has hit himself.
he starts to tell her what a wonderful person she is and how he admires her.
she asks if he followed thourgh with the "homework". he says "no"...she says, we are not going anywhere with this...if you dont pursue the homework, the tasks, then we will just keep repeating the same things...
she asks us both to come back next time.
gets out his folder, "this is my wife," he announces.
She asks how things are and N says well, I am tired. he rustles his folder of papers.
she asks me - I say not good. he is very anxious, he has hit himself.
he starts to tell her what a wonderful person she is and how he admires her.
she asks if he followed thourgh with the "homework". he says "no"...she says, we are not going anywhere with this...if you dont pursue the homework, the tasks, then we will just keep repeating the same things...
she asks us both to come back next time.
crisis point....
Email to: M
Date: 9 July 2007
Subject: yesterday's barbecue
yes N is depressed and is seeing CBT, for last five weeks. was referred last year. he has also done the autogenic training at homeopathic hospital.
but he wont collaborate with her. doesnt get round to doing the "homework". more than moderate.
she is looking for other avenues.
GP is referring to psychiatric services.
he has started very low dose of anti depressants.
becasuse he refuses to take therapeutic dose yet.
he claims side effects but it is all in his mind - GP said on this dose 2mg cilatopram (good for depression anxiety etc) you don't get side effects....placebo in reverse ("this pill will make me sicker therefore I will feel sicker" ) .
he needs to take pills but of the pharmocoloigical kind not the natural kind.
we are at crisis point and it will resolve one way or another - for better or for worse.
he might have to leave and go elsewhere. i dont know.
it isnt good for the kids.
Date: 9 July 2007
Subject: yesterday's barbecue
yes N is depressed and is seeing CBT, for last five weeks. was referred last year. he has also done the autogenic training at homeopathic hospital.
but he wont collaborate with her. doesnt get round to doing the "homework". more than moderate.
she is looking for other avenues.
GP is referring to psychiatric services.
he has started very low dose of anti depressants.
becasuse he refuses to take therapeutic dose yet.
he claims side effects but it is all in his mind - GP said on this dose 2mg cilatopram (good for depression anxiety etc) you don't get side effects....placebo in reverse ("this pill will make me sicker therefore I will feel sicker" ) .
he needs to take pills but of the pharmocoloigical kind not the natural kind.
we are at crisis point and it will resolve one way or another - for better or for worse.
he might have to leave and go elsewhere. i dont know.
it isnt good for the kids.
e-mail from my sister
Date: 8 July 2007
From: M
Subject: yesterday's barbecue
we're a bit worried about N, he doesn't seem very well mentally
or physically. How long has he been like this for? Maybe he should see his
doctor and get referred for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) - this tends
to get good results for mild to moderate depression (although there is a
long waiting list as not enough CBT trained practitioners - unless you can
get access privately). Better than just taking pills anyway - as helps get
to the source of the problem. (Insomina, tiredness and a feeling of inertia
are classic symptoms of depression).*
**
*M*
From: M
Subject: yesterday's barbecue
we're a bit worried about N, he doesn't seem very well mentally
or physically. How long has he been like this for? Maybe he should see his
doctor and get referred for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) - this tends
to get good results for mild to moderate depression (although there is a
long waiting list as not enough CBT trained practitioners - unless you can
get access privately). Better than just taking pills anyway - as helps get
to the source of the problem. (Insomina, tiredness and a feeling of inertia
are classic symptoms of depression).*
**
*M*
a birthday party - coping?
Sat, 30 June.
It is G's birthday party. we get to the soft play centre and organize food, drinks etc in the party room.
N is industrious and seems to be coping, but gets highly anxious as the time comes for people to arrive - and no one is here yet!
then suddenly, of course, they all arrive at once and it goes fine.
It is G's birthday party. we get to the soft play centre and organize food, drinks etc in the party room.
N is industrious and seems to be coping, but gets highly anxious as the time comes for people to arrive - and no one is here yet!
then suddenly, of course, they all arrive at once and it goes fine.
Monday, 23 February 2009
freaky day
Date: 29 June 2007
To: DNB Group
Subject: freaky day yesterday
slight crisis here.
yesterday freaked me out. been building up to this - but.....
0730 - first thing he says on waking is "oh I feel like dying". he was
awake from 0300. in state of panic.
i thought I would have to take
girls to school (Ix gets picked up in taxi) but at 0830 he - while
shaking, insisted on taking them. I said i would wait and make an appt
with GP.
i called GP at 0900 and got appt for 1115. meantime, called my friend
whose mother is a psychiatrist - she called her mum and called me back
advising re emergency crisis mental health team and suggested some meds
too.
0940 N came back and said he didn't need the GP, he was going to go to
the gym for his exercise class and then "everything would be fine" i
said no, he had to come to GP with me.
all way to appt he is saying "i don't need this, i don't want
antidepressants, i just need to sleep" etc,etc
1115 we go in, dr (who has seen him before did the referrals to CBT,
homeopathic etc) says what's up and he says oh I am just tired that is
all, I cant sleep - she asks some more sensible questions and says, in
short, that he is depressed that is why he can't sleep. he reveals a
bruise on his leg where he has hit himself so hard...I tell her about
the broken stool.
in short, she says she recommends cilatopram 10 mg (anti depressant low
dose); and can prescribe some sleeping tablets but only for one week.
he says he doesn't want to take anti depressants - after all - he isn't
depressed - and she says she cannot force him but she recommends it.
she
says he might have to take them for six months or more.
he says he
doesn't want to.
I ask about the crisis service and she gives me the
number, also tells me about the outpatient centre but she thinks we
don't need that yet.
they focus on managing medication and she can do
that at this stage spec as such a low dose.
we make appt for next week
weds at 0945.
we go for a coffee (it is 1215 now) after picking up prescription. i
have coffee and a bruschetta he has chamomile tea. he says again he
doesn't want to take anti depressants, he took them 15 years ago, side
effects bla bla bla...
we go home he is going on and on about what have i done with my life
etc etc.
there is no food, i say make yourself a sandwich.
I leave him while i
go across road to supermarket to buy fruit and veg for the kids meal in
the evening.
(frankly, I needed to get out...)
come back and he has cut himself with a kitchen knife in his thigh.
blood all over. i say what the f.... are you doing.
he is crying saying he doesn't know he is so frustrated. with himself.
he slams his fist into the sofa.
3.00 - we get in car and drive to school, he freaks me out slightly by
answering his mobile (the garage about the car) and nearly running a red
light.
we get to school, he drives me and the girls to their art class, on way
his car is rear-ended and scratched (like we needed that).
stop get
details etc, N freaks out the driver by taking a photo of him -
other driver starts saying why you taking pic of me, bla bla...
i can
see fight looming - argh. we get to art class, N goes to a school
meeting (he is school governor).
i leave girls and go have coffee with friend who lives next door to art
class - her daughter is at class with L and G.
her brother self
harmed (himself only, never harmed his wife (except emotionally) and
child....and later committed suicide so we have a good chat ....
we
agree he has to take the meds and it has to be made clear to him his
responsibilities.
i rush home with the girls after class as Ix's carer had to
leave...we have nice tea (sorri but life is easier doing chores,
getting tea without N) .
N gets back at 845 p.m. , and goes to "play
his guitar for a bit "....
then comes out at 9 pm starting the why aren't
they in bed routine...anyway get them to bed, N is typing up his
report on meeting, actually he says it did him good and he feels better.
he wants to know what i said to the friend, what did i tell her, what does
she know -- i just say "we talked about her brother who committed
suicide".
he goes down road to buy some food for dinner, comes back
sits on computer typing, at 11 pm we have dinner
(i know better than to
interrupt and say come on it's late - he likes to be in control of
dinner..)
we eat, he says he felt better after his meeting, is going to go to the
gym etc. i say "you know what you need to do" - he knows i mean the
tablets.
anyway, i am exhausted today and a bit ugh.
he was calm-ish this morning - took the sleeping tablet don't know if
has taken the anti depressant.
took girls to school, left mobile at
home.
cant get hold of him now. (1130) but he said was going to go buy
drinks for the kids for G's birthday party tomorrow.
To: DNB Group
Subject: freaky day yesterday
slight crisis here.
yesterday freaked me out. been building up to this - but.....
0730 - first thing he says on waking is "oh I feel like dying". he was
awake from 0300. in state of panic.
i thought I would have to take
girls to school (Ix gets picked up in taxi) but at 0830 he - while
shaking, insisted on taking them. I said i would wait and make an appt
with GP.
i called GP at 0900 and got appt for 1115. meantime, called my friend
whose mother is a psychiatrist - she called her mum and called me back
advising re emergency crisis mental health team and suggested some meds
too.
0940 N came back and said he didn't need the GP, he was going to go to
the gym for his exercise class and then "everything would be fine" i
said no, he had to come to GP with me.
all way to appt he is saying "i don't need this, i don't want
antidepressants, i just need to sleep" etc,etc
1115 we go in, dr (who has seen him before did the referrals to CBT,
homeopathic etc) says what's up and he says oh I am just tired that is
all, I cant sleep - she asks some more sensible questions and says, in
short, that he is depressed that is why he can't sleep. he reveals a
bruise on his leg where he has hit himself so hard...I tell her about
the broken stool.
in short, she says she recommends cilatopram 10 mg (anti depressant low
dose); and can prescribe some sleeping tablets but only for one week.
he says he doesn't want to take anti depressants - after all - he isn't
depressed - and she says she cannot force him but she recommends it.
she
says he might have to take them for six months or more.
he says he
doesn't want to.
I ask about the crisis service and she gives me the
number, also tells me about the outpatient centre but she thinks we
don't need that yet.
they focus on managing medication and she can do
that at this stage spec as such a low dose.
we make appt for next week
weds at 0945.
we go for a coffee (it is 1215 now) after picking up prescription. i
have coffee and a bruschetta he has chamomile tea. he says again he
doesn't want to take anti depressants, he took them 15 years ago, side
effects bla bla bla...
we go home he is going on and on about what have i done with my life
etc etc.
there is no food, i say make yourself a sandwich.
I leave him while i
go across road to supermarket to buy fruit and veg for the kids meal in
the evening.
(frankly, I needed to get out...)
come back and he has cut himself with a kitchen knife in his thigh.
blood all over. i say what the f.... are you doing.
he is crying saying he doesn't know he is so frustrated. with himself.
he slams his fist into the sofa.
3.00 - we get in car and drive to school, he freaks me out slightly by
answering his mobile (the garage about the car) and nearly running a red
light.
we get to school, he drives me and the girls to their art class, on way
his car is rear-ended and scratched (like we needed that).
stop get
details etc, N freaks out the driver by taking a photo of him -
other driver starts saying why you taking pic of me, bla bla...
i can
see fight looming - argh. we get to art class, N goes to a school
meeting (he is school governor).
i leave girls and go have coffee with friend who lives next door to art
class - her daughter is at class with L and G.
her brother self
harmed (himself only, never harmed his wife (except emotionally) and
child....and later committed suicide so we have a good chat ....
we
agree he has to take the meds and it has to be made clear to him his
responsibilities.
i rush home with the girls after class as Ix's carer had to
leave...we have nice tea (sorri but life is easier doing chores,
getting tea without N) .
N gets back at 845 p.m. , and goes to "play
his guitar for a bit "....
then comes out at 9 pm starting the why aren't
they in bed routine...anyway get them to bed, N is typing up his
report on meeting, actually he says it did him good and he feels better.
he wants to know what i said to the friend, what did i tell her, what does
she know -- i just say "we talked about her brother who committed
suicide".
he goes down road to buy some food for dinner, comes back
sits on computer typing, at 11 pm we have dinner
(i know better than to
interrupt and say come on it's late - he likes to be in control of
dinner..)
we eat, he says he felt better after his meeting, is going to go to the
gym etc. i say "you know what you need to do" - he knows i mean the
tablets.
anyway, i am exhausted today and a bit ugh.
he was calm-ish this morning - took the sleeping tablet don't know if
has taken the anti depressant.
took girls to school, left mobile at
home.
cant get hold of him now. (1130) but he said was going to go buy
drinks for the kids for G's birthday party tomorrow.
has he come to acceptance?
Date: 26 June 2007
To: DNB Group
Subject: re: Depression - has he come to acceptance?
no.
he says: "i should have gone to counselling about Ix before" - i
say, it isn’t too late. do it now. talk to the psychologist.
going to a support group - not really - and dads he have met have all been
working. ("they can cope, why not me? poor me?")
last nite:
" i think this is punishment from God because we didn’t get married
before Ix was born"
"i must be a really bad person for "this" to happen to me" - jeez, i
told him he wasn’t a bad person - after all the logic makes me a bad
person too....told him to talk to his priest....
why didn't we marry - oh just didn't happen, i wasnt bothered either
way...., would have done if he had pushed it... now i am happy to in a way, to provide security for the children -
(tax reasons?) but not miserably, just the two of us and the priest,
as N wants -
if we get married i want to celebrate our wonderful, imperfect,
complex, family and invite my children and close friends and family.
have a children's entertainer and bouncy castle. DVD playing lazy town
in the corner for Ix....you know.
To: DNB Group
Subject: re: Depression - has he come to acceptance?
no.
he says: "i should have gone to counselling about Ix before" - i
say, it isn’t too late. do it now. talk to the psychologist.
going to a support group - not really - and dads he have met have all been
working. ("they can cope, why not me? poor me?")
last nite:
" i think this is punishment from God because we didn’t get married
before Ix was born"
"i must be a really bad person for "this" to happen to me" - jeez, i
told him he wasn’t a bad person - after all the logic makes me a bad
person too....told him to talk to his priest....
why didn't we marry - oh just didn't happen, i wasnt bothered either
way...., would have done if he had pushed it... now i am happy to in a way, to provide security for the children -
(tax reasons?) but not miserably, just the two of us and the priest,
as N wants -
if we get married i want to celebrate our wonderful, imperfect,
complex, family and invite my children and close friends and family.
have a children's entertainer and bouncy castle. DVD playing lazy town
in the corner for Ix....you know.
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