freaky day

Date: 29 June 2007
To: DNB Group
Subject: freaky day yesterday

slight crisis here.

yesterday freaked me out. been building up to this - but.....

0730 - first thing he says on waking is "oh I feel like dying". he was
awake from 0300. in state of panic.

i thought I would have to take
girls to school (Ix gets picked up in taxi) but at 0830 he - while
shaking, insisted on taking them. I said i would wait and make an appt
with GP.



i called GP at 0900 and got appt for 1115. meantime, called my friend
whose mother is a psychiatrist - she called her mum and called me back
advising re emergency crisis mental health team and suggested some meds
too.



0940 N came back and said he didn't need the GP, he was going to go to
the gym for his exercise class and then "everything would be fine" i
said no, he had to come to GP with me.

all way to appt he is saying "i don't need this, i don't want
antidepressants, i just need to sleep" etc,etc



1115 we go in, dr (who has seen him before did the referrals to CBT,
homeopathic etc) says what's up and he says oh I am just tired that is
all, I cant sleep - she asks some more sensible questions and says, in
short, that he is depressed that is why he can't sleep. he reveals a
bruise on his leg where he has hit himself so hard...I tell her about
the broken stool.

in short, she says she recommends cilatopram 10 mg (anti depressant low
dose); and can prescribe some sleeping tablets but only for one week.



he says he doesn't want to take anti depressants - after all - he isn't
depressed - and she says she cannot force him but she recommends it.

she
says he might have to take them for six months or more.

he says he
doesn't want to.

I ask about the crisis service and she gives me the
number, also tells me about the outpatient centre but she thinks we
don't need that yet.

they focus on managing medication and she can do
that at this stage spec as such a low dose.

we make appt for next week
weds at 0945.



we go for a coffee (it is 1215 now) after picking up prescription. i
have coffee and a bruschetta he has chamomile tea. he says again he
doesn't want to take anti depressants, he took them 15 years ago, side
effects bla bla bla...



we go home he is going on and on about what have i done with my life
etc etc.


there is no food, i say make yourself a sandwich.

I leave him while i
go across road to supermarket to buy fruit and veg for the kids meal in
the evening.

(frankly, I needed to get out...)



come back and he has cut himself with a kitchen knife in his thigh.
blood all over. i say what the f.... are you doing.



he is crying saying he doesn't know he is so frustrated. with himself.
he slams his fist into the sofa.



3.00 - we get in car and drive to school, he freaks me out slightly by
answering his mobile (the garage about the car) and nearly running a red
light.

we get to school, he drives me and the girls to their art class, on way
his car is rear-ended and scratched (like we needed that).

stop get
details etc, N freaks out the driver by taking a photo of him -
other driver starts saying why you taking pic of me, bla bla...


i can
see fight looming - argh. we get to art class, N goes to a school
meeting (he is school governor).



i leave girls and go have coffee with friend who lives next door to art
class - her daughter is at class with L and G.

her brother self
harmed (himself only, never harmed his wife (except emotionally) and
child....and later committed suicide so we have a good chat ....

we
agree he has to take the meds and it has to be made clear to him his
responsibilities.



i rush home with the girls after class as Ix's carer had to
leave...we have nice tea (sorri but life is easier doing chores,
getting tea without N) .

N gets back at 845 p.m. , and goes to "play
his guitar for a bit "....

then comes out at 9 pm starting the why aren't
they in bed routine...anyway get them to bed, N is typing up his
report on meeting, actually he says it did him good and he feels better.


he wants to know what i said to the friend, what did i tell her, what does
she know -- i just say "we talked about her brother who committed
suicide".

he goes down road to buy some food for dinner, comes back
sits on computer typing, at 11 pm we have dinner

(i know better than to
interrupt and say come on it's late - he likes to be in control of
dinner..)



we eat, he says he felt better after his meeting, is going to go to the
gym etc. i say "you know what you need to do" - he knows i mean the
tablets.



anyway, i am exhausted today and a bit ugh.



he was calm-ish this morning - took the sleeping tablet don't know if
has taken the anti depressant.

took girls to school, left mobile at
home.

cant get hold of him now. (1130) but he said was going to go buy
drinks for the kids for G's birthday party tomorrow.