Monday, 23 February 2009

am I selfish?

Date: 21 June 2007
To: DNB Group
Subject: whinge whinge moan

i am tired of living with someone who wonders what the point of life
is and why bother living?

who can't his head round the fact that life is about routines and
getting the shopping and cooking done...."am I going to be cooking
spaghetti for children all my life?" "is that it?"

me: well no actually because they going to grow up and leave home....

i am tired of wondering if I am going to have to commit him in order
to get proper help, and tired of wondering if plans I make, eg
holidays are going to be ruined by suicide attempts or worse; or just
plain misery.

i am tired of saying the same things over and over i have been saying
for more than two years, that leaving his paid work where he was
stressed beyond belief was the best move for him and us as a family.

yes i know it isn't his fault and it is depression - but he wont take
meds for it! CBT so far seems to just be making him worse....

"she says i have to take responsibility and look forward not
backwards" - fine - but then i get "i should never have left work
[in 2004], i have left work so i am a failure, normal men dont leave
their work to do the child caring, bla bla bla"

however much logic
i put forward over the fact

a) my salary was bigger

b) i had spent
four or five years listening to him telling me he wanted to leave
work because he didnt like it!

c) he was always complaining about the
nanny and anyway it is far better and easier for us to have one parent
not working not to mention he gets time with his girls he never had
before and they like him now... (i dont push the not-going-out issue
with Ix...)

i am a selfish cow aren't I

but it feels better to let it out.

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