Feb 2005: am I selfish?

Email to: S
Subject: work and hobbies

I wish N at least had a proper hobby/interest, would stop him
maudling "i dont know what i am doing with my life"...... he really does
not appreciate he has this chance to be at home and see his kids grow
up!

enjoy it! chance to learn something new, chance to go to yoga three
times a week in term time if he wants to....

but i think it is a mental illness, he supposed to be going to GP this
week....

he wishes he was back going to work every day (and all evening
and all weekend....) so he wouldn't have to confront his demons at
home...yeh right.

too late now!

he resigned his job, no turning
back.....

he could get another job of course but suffering from "what
could i do?" syndrome --yes; i've told him to get a job a Sainsbury
then, if he thinks "a" job would make the difference.....

but better this way - confront it!

i keep telling him he would have
got to retiring at 65 and would have no relationship with his family
left, what is the point?

saturday we went to horse riding, he went up to a dad (daughter age 20 rett
syndrome who was riding same time as Ix) and said "excuse me how do
you cope, i can't cope with my son!" ..

chap - lovely man = said well you do, dont you, she is part of our
family....

he went on to say enjoy what you have and said how they had
had a son also but who died at age 18 months...

yes i get so frustrated - I just want to kick him up the proverbial!

latest this week was....if we send Ix to residential placement all
our problems will be solved(not for Ix's needs you
understand...)/wish he'd never been born/wish he had been adopted
etc..... . yes i know they are feelings many express but we are nine
years down the line.

i said if it comes to it and you want me to choose between you - then i choose to
keep Ix.....

it all sounds so pathetic written down!

i just keep insisting to him it is up to him to get help because i can't
do it! i have three children to think of.... am i selfish?!