Date: April 4, 2006
To: DNB Group
Subject: updates all round...
you asked...so here are 2 recent conversations in our house:
1.
N: of course if you were the one at home not working you would be
happy - when the kids are at school you would be talking on
internet, meeting people for lunch, reading the paper and reading
books, going swimming/yoga
me: err yes - but there is nothing stopping YOU doing any or all of
that! why don't you do a course/get a part time job/enjoy yourself
N: because I dont know what I want/ dont know what I want to do
with my life ...... i wish i had never resigned, i wish i could wake
up tomorrow and go to my work
me: sigh (gives up.... he left work for many reasons including huge
stresses but from 13 months down the line it all looks rosy again - an
escape from responsibilities of home? but - nothing to stop him
getting another job if that is what he wants...)
2.
N: i saw J today, he went to Center Parcs (holiday village in
woods, outdoor type place, for cycling etc) last weekend with the
five kids and the mother in law
me: oh that's nice, i've heard center parcs is really good
N: of course, we could never do that....
me: why?
N: well you know, I cant play football with ix or go on a bike
ride with him...
me: THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CANNOT GO TO ONE OF THESE PLACES YOU CAN
DO OTHER THINGS!!! Ix likes to walk, he likes to go in swimming
pool (these places have indoor pools) ...and espec if we have someone
with us (not mother in law obviously but someone else...) grrrrrrr
anyway, we ARE going away this coming weekend to isle of wight to a
caravan and will see J and a few other special needs families :)
am bringing carer to help look after the boys. both of them. socially
N can appear/act fairly "normal".... so it might be ok....
will see how it goes :) i am sure looking forward to it and to seeing
nice people.
Monday, 23 February 2009
a night away....
I leave Saturday evening for night away in Swindon with other "special needs" mums. I have organized carer for Ix for Sunday morning so N is only alone overnight.
Earlier on Saturday I take girls to Woolworths and we buy Barbie trainers for G. On her request. She is well pleased, they light up...
But N goes ballistic.
"how could you! you should not buy cheap trainers" "they are a waste of money" "they are crap".
He then tells me that to make sure I swim in the hotel "because you are overweight"...
I leave in tears....
It is a welcome break away tho, I buy champagne, we, 12 mums, all with children with disabilities, chat the night away....
Earlier on Saturday I take girls to Woolworths and we buy Barbie trainers for G. On her request. She is well pleased, they light up...
But N goes ballistic.
"how could you! you should not buy cheap trainers" "they are a waste of money" "they are crap".
He then tells me that to make sure I swim in the hotel "because you are overweight"...
I leave in tears....
It is a welcome break away tho, I buy champagne, we, 12 mums, all with children with disabilities, chat the night away....
dutiful wife.....
during 2005 we muddle through.... in the summer N takes girls to Spain for a few weeks. Back to school September. The winter passes...
Date: 14 March 2006
Email to: DNB Group
Subject: wanting normal....
there is a whole lot of stuff going on in N's head and not all
(much) of it is good right now...
it isnt so much denial as anger: "this isn’t real, i do not accept
it."
he "only wanted a normal child" - didn't we all - when Ix is
asleep he can see the "normal child" in him.... so regret/anger/why
me.....
what he cannot see is the child himself, awake asleep whatever.
it is a sad and sorry state of affairs and not conducive to,
well, anything really.....
he is awaiting a referral for counselling/CBT to treat his
depression - at times he blames his depression on having Ix but
really this isn't the whole story - an easy excuse.
"if Ix was
normal, then...." it is all "why me?" --well, why not me?
my answer is: he isn't normal, get over it, accept him as he is.
also - as you have said to me many times - the Spanish "male as
provider" idea isn't going away.
when i said i was going on the mums'
night away to Swindon (small town in south england ) he said: you
cannot go to a mothers' night out, you are the father now (because i
am the breadwinner).
i said, get real, we are in the 21st
century....
i would like to send him to dr k. for some intensive CBT
treatment!! he sure needs
something.
he is beginning to recognize what the problem(s) is/are -
but why is it so hard to accept your own child?
there is only so much "I" can do...
my children are my light,
my "DH" right now is not "dear" - to say the honest truth.....he brings me
flowers, but as the phrase goes: sometimes, (professed) love is not
enough...
well i had to get that out somewhere.....
:-(
i do have some kind of "duty" to help him i guess. he is there for
the girls, that is one good thing. mostly i just try to focus on the
day to day....
Date: 14 March 2006
Email to: DNB Group
Subject: wanting normal....
there is a whole lot of stuff going on in N's head and not all
(much) of it is good right now...
it isnt so much denial as anger: "this isn’t real, i do not accept
it."
he "only wanted a normal child" - didn't we all - when Ix is
asleep he can see the "normal child" in him.... so regret/anger/why
me.....
what he cannot see is the child himself, awake asleep whatever.
it is a sad and sorry state of affairs and not conducive to,
well, anything really.....
he is awaiting a referral for counselling/CBT to treat his
depression - at times he blames his depression on having Ix but
really this isn't the whole story - an easy excuse.
"if Ix was
normal, then...." it is all "why me?" --well, why not me?
my answer is: he isn't normal, get over it, accept him as he is.
also - as you have said to me many times - the Spanish "male as
provider" idea isn't going away.
when i said i was going on the mums'
night away to Swindon (small town in south england ) he said: you
cannot go to a mothers' night out, you are the father now (because i
am the breadwinner).
i said, get real, we are in the 21st
century....
i would like to send him to dr k. for some intensive CBT
treatment!! he sure needs
something.
he is beginning to recognize what the problem(s) is/are -
but why is it so hard to accept your own child?
there is only so much "I" can do...
my children are my light,
my "DH" right now is not "dear" - to say the honest truth.....he brings me
flowers, but as the phrase goes: sometimes, (professed) love is not
enough...
well i had to get that out somewhere.....
:-(
i do have some kind of "duty" to help him i guess. he is there for
the girls, that is one good thing. mostly i just try to focus on the
day to day....
March 2005 sleeping babes....
Email to: DNB Group
Subject: how he sees him
the other day N said: "i (only) love Ix when he is asleep, because then he looks
normal."
hwhat can I do?
Subject: how he sees him
the other day N said: "i (only) love Ix when he is asleep, because then he looks
normal."
hwhat can I do?
Feb 2005 - his mother dies
of a heart attack age 77. he calls me at work in shock and I switch to efficient mode, book his flight to Spain the next morning, get Euros, pack bags...
I think about his relationship with his mother, a love/hate? At Christmas he has argued with her, after she said we should not go visit - "too cold", "too wet", etc.
he got mad...I overheard him say "well I won't see you then! I will see you at your funeral!"
I asked him "how can you say that?"
"it is how we are..."
Certainly, visits to his family I have found - strange... from dawn to dusk they would argue, call each other "stupid", argue some more....
but now his mother is dead and that is sad.
It is also half term so I take some days off.
This is the scheduled time to do intensive toilet training with Ix with his ABA therapists, so it is a few days of wee and poo on the floor...
I think: "it is good N is not here,, he would not cope with the mess."
AFter three days we are getting successes! He is not holding on all day then letting go in floods, and is enjoying more and more Smarties for success.
The girls have various activities and outings.
Our ex-nanny agrees to stay with Ix a couple of nights and I take the girls to Spain to pay our respects. We return together and back to routine.
in other words... I go to work, he takes girls to school, he calls me at work and says he cannot cope and he wishes he was back at work...
I think about his relationship with his mother, a love/hate? At Christmas he has argued with her, after she said we should not go visit - "too cold", "too wet", etc.
he got mad...I overheard him say "well I won't see you then! I will see you at your funeral!"
I asked him "how can you say that?"
"it is how we are..."
Certainly, visits to his family I have found - strange... from dawn to dusk they would argue, call each other "stupid", argue some more....
but now his mother is dead and that is sad.
It is also half term so I take some days off.
This is the scheduled time to do intensive toilet training with Ix with his ABA therapists, so it is a few days of wee and poo on the floor...
I think: "it is good N is not here,, he would not cope with the mess."
AFter three days we are getting successes! He is not holding on all day then letting go in floods, and is enjoying more and more Smarties for success.
The girls have various activities and outings.
Our ex-nanny agrees to stay with Ix a couple of nights and I take the girls to Spain to pay our respects. We return together and back to routine.
in other words... I go to work, he takes girls to school, he calls me at work and says he cannot cope and he wishes he was back at work...
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
Feb 2005: am I selfish?
Email to: S
Subject: work and hobbies
I wish N at least had a proper hobby/interest, would stop him
maudling "i dont know what i am doing with my life"...... he really does
not appreciate he has this chance to be at home and see his kids grow
up!
enjoy it! chance to learn something new, chance to go to yoga three
times a week in term time if he wants to....
but i think it is a mental illness, he supposed to be going to GP this
week....
he wishes he was back going to work every day (and all evening
and all weekend....) so he wouldn't have to confront his demons at
home...yeh right.
too late now!
he resigned his job, no turning
back.....
he could get another job of course but suffering from "what
could i do?" syndrome --yes; i've told him to get a job a Sainsbury
then, if he thinks "a" job would make the difference.....
but better this way - confront it!
i keep telling him he would have
got to retiring at 65 and would have no relationship with his family
left, what is the point?
saturday we went to horse riding, he went up to a dad (daughter age 20 rett
syndrome who was riding same time as Ix) and said "excuse me how do
you cope, i can't cope with my son!" ..
chap - lovely man = said well you do, dont you, she is part of our
family....
he went on to say enjoy what you have and said how they had
had a son also but who died at age 18 months...
yes i get so frustrated - I just want to kick him up the proverbial!
latest this week was....if we send Ix to residential placement all
our problems will be solved(not for Ix's needs you
understand...)/wish he'd never been born/wish he had been adopted
etc..... . yes i know they are feelings many express but we are nine
years down the line.
i said if it comes to it and you want me to choose between you - then i choose to
keep Ix.....
it all sounds so pathetic written down!
i just keep insisting to him it is up to him to get help because i can't
do it! i have three children to think of.... am i selfish?!
Subject: work and hobbies
I wish N at least had a proper hobby/interest, would stop him
maudling "i dont know what i am doing with my life"...... he really does
not appreciate he has this chance to be at home and see his kids grow
up!
enjoy it! chance to learn something new, chance to go to yoga three
times a week in term time if he wants to....
but i think it is a mental illness, he supposed to be going to GP this
week....
he wishes he was back going to work every day (and all evening
and all weekend....) so he wouldn't have to confront his demons at
home...yeh right.
too late now!
he resigned his job, no turning
back.....
he could get another job of course but suffering from "what
could i do?" syndrome --yes; i've told him to get a job a Sainsbury
then, if he thinks "a" job would make the difference.....
but better this way - confront it!
i keep telling him he would have
got to retiring at 65 and would have no relationship with his family
left, what is the point?
saturday we went to horse riding, he went up to a dad (daughter age 20 rett
syndrome who was riding same time as Ix) and said "excuse me how do
you cope, i can't cope with my son!" ..
chap - lovely man = said well you do, dont you, she is part of our
family....
he went on to say enjoy what you have and said how they had
had a son also but who died at age 18 months...
yes i get so frustrated - I just want to kick him up the proverbial!
latest this week was....if we send Ix to residential placement all
our problems will be solved(not for Ix's needs you
understand...)/wish he'd never been born/wish he had been adopted
etc..... . yes i know they are feelings many express but we are nine
years down the line.
i said if it comes to it and you want me to choose between you - then i choose to
keep Ix.....
it all sounds so pathetic written down!
i just keep insisting to him it is up to him to get help because i can't
do it! i have three children to think of.... am i selfish?!
previously.....
N resigned from his office job at the end of 2004, after months of stress.
plus, he complained so much about the nanny ("she does nothing" she is paid too much" ) it became a case of: well, you know what.... see if you can do it then!
Email to: A
Subject: Moving country
Date: Feb 2005
well, N is similar to your husband - "let's move to
Switzerland/Italy/france...somewhere where the "grass is greener" and life is less stressful etc...yeh right.
what our "DH"s [dear husbands] dont realise is some of the stress u will take with you --the kids medical/health/learning issues, the day to day
domestic chores etc.
access to the wild mountains doesnt mean u will
get there each weekend because it's there. u still have to do the
washing, pack cases, organize food etc. the weekends ski-iing dont
just happen as if by magic... guess who would be orgnizing them? who
would be packing the car for your weekend rambles in nature? the kids
still have to do homework...
N has been going on and on about he wld leave work and i will get a
job with UN in geneva and won't life be wonderful??
well,he is finding it really hard doing the being at home thing - and
that is here with everything organized and sorted... no stress of
looking for new schools, getting to know area etc.
sometimes, the grass just looks greener...
plus, he complained so much about the nanny ("she does nothing" she is paid too much" ) it became a case of: well, you know what.... see if you can do it then!
Email to: A
Subject: Moving country
Date: Feb 2005
well, N is similar to your husband - "let's move to
Switzerland/Italy/france...somewhere where the "grass is greener" and life is less stressful etc...yeh right.
what our "DH"s [dear husbands] dont realise is some of the stress u will take with you --the kids medical/health/learning issues, the day to day
domestic chores etc.
access to the wild mountains doesnt mean u will
get there each weekend because it's there. u still have to do the
washing, pack cases, organize food etc. the weekends ski-iing dont
just happen as if by magic... guess who would be orgnizing them? who
would be packing the car for your weekend rambles in nature? the kids
still have to do homework...
N has been going on and on about he wld leave work and i will get a
job with UN in geneva and won't life be wonderful??
well,he is finding it really hard doing the being at home thing - and
that is here with everything organized and sorted... no stress of
looking for new schools, getting to know area etc.
sometimes, the grass just looks greener...
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